What’s behind a smile?
Maybe you go to sleep shaking with anxiety or wake up every morning to cry. It’s worse some mornings more than others. You work yourself up, you laugh you talk but inside you’re caving in and outside you're stuck in the tedium of of deadlines and word counts while everyone else seems to be stepping into something much more profound and beautiful. I'm happy for you, I'm so happy for you. But then you come back here. To your phone. To the bedhead. Waiting for something, anything. What you do find, when you do find something, is something that creates even more uncertainty and puzzlement. But most of all the silence is slowly poisoning your veins and you feel it even though it’s unspoken: rejection. Why do hearts seem to go one way when you know it’s a no through road. A dead end. Still travels stubbornly towards something only it can see, a dying ember, while the rest of you is screaming it’s not gonna work.
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I’m thankful that my God gives me joy that’s deeper than the flood of tears and His Spirit brings me back to that childlike faith and communion with Jesus my Lord. He meets me right here, right in the mess that I can't even articulate. It’s not easy it never is but God’s bigger than all of this. I look up to the skies and smile because the God who made all that, who's bigger than all that, is looking out for me.
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What do you do when something bigger than you falls into your lap?
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Striving to be a woman who can throw her head back and laugh with pure joy and wonder and assurance—such deep assurance from His overflowing grace—yes, to laugh at the days to come.
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